TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let us have another spot the place American Males can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give everyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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